I am not Broken.

Julia Antionette
Jun 6, 2018
2 min read

While listening to a Dear Hank and John podcast today, I heard what I think is the best analogy for those with mental illnesses.

"Every person has their own circumstances, their

own situation, and they are kind of like their own

formula - like an algebraic formula - and they have

to work themselves out. They are solving them-

-selves over time.

You can't think, "what if I found out earlier?"

because that wouldn't be your formula.

You're you. Here's what you have. What are you

going to do with it from here?"

- Edward McCabe

Mental illness has been at the forefront of a lot of news lately, particularly because of Kate Spade's recent suicide. But, it got me thinking. Most people who don't have mental illnesses, and even some of us that do, think of those that do as being "broken" and "needing fixing". I thought of myself as broken for a long time, for more reasons than just my mental illnesses (we'll probably get to that stuff later), and I definitely thought that I needed fixing.

But, the things is, we aren't broken. Our brains are wired differently. We have different chemical imbalances, different neurons firing/not firing, and different scars that are hidden in the crevices of our brain tissue. When I first went to the doctor to be diagnosed and try going on medication, I thought I was doing this to "fix" my symptoms. Not to balance my chemistry. Not to see what path this might lead me down. Not to understand myself better and figure out what was actually happening. I went to make my problems go away and make myself normal.

It has taken me five years and three psychotic breaks to realize that I am not broken. I am not meant to be fixed. And I do not need another person to fix me.

I am a formula, and I am solving myself little by little. I'm likely to change as the years go on, so the answer will never be the same, but I am the one solving it. And with that answer comes exponential possibilities, because here's what I've got. Who knows what I'm going to do with it from here?