I don't have to have a psychotic break.
Psychosis: (n) an umbrella term; it means that an individual has sensory experiences of things that do not exist and/or beliefs with no basis in reality. During a psychotic episode, an individual may experience hallucinations and/or delusions that appear to be real.
When a bipolar disorder is involved: crying, grandiosity, insomnia, irritability, and persecutory delusions may manifest themselves as symptoms. Psychosis is a symptom rather than a disease.
I have had three psychotic breaks in the past five years.
This past Father's Day, I almost had a fourth.
Usually when I begin to have a psychotic break, things start to look...not real. The best way to describe it is that I've been placed in a very realistic virtual reality game, but it's not quite realistic enough. You can still just barely tell the difference. On Sunday, it all started with a teacup.
I was making tea as part of my usual morning routine and I knew I wasn't feeling mentally well. The previous week had been a low cycle, so I chalked it up to that. I turned off the kettle, tore open a tea bag, and as soon as I got to the cupboard with the teacups...they weren't real anymore. Everyone else in the house was bustling to get ready for our family plans, but I was stuck. Frozen in place, staring like a deer in headlights, at our neat row of teacups.
When things start to look "not real", there is one rule that my brain has put in place:
I cannot touch them.
Trying to go with the flow of everyone else, I touched the teacup.
As you may have guessed, this did not go over well with my brain. According to my brain logic, I should not have been able to touch the teacup, because the teacup itself did not exist. I touched something that didn't exist. My brain lost control.
BUT.
Instead of spiraling to the point where I blackout and don't recall what I've done or seen, I talked to people. I may not have told them everything, but I told people what I was going through, and it made me realize something; People want to help.
My partner rubbed up and down my arms so that I could feel something that was real to my brain. My sisters made me a safe space at the party so that I was still technically hanging out, but I was farther away from everyone and slightly hidden. They also had a new property they wanted me to see, and offered to take me there if things got to be too much. They played defense and drew other people away from me.
All because I opened my mouth up, and talked.
Most of my immediate family members don't have mental illnesses. They haven't necessarily understood how to handle situations like this in the past, but I've never spoken up like this in the past. Recently, I've become a lot more vocal over what conditions I have and what they mean, and it turns out, speaking up helps.
I almost had a fourth psychotic break. Almost. But because I spoke up, I didn't.
If you are having trouble and feel you have no one to talk to, please call one of these hotlines. There will always be someone there to help talk you through.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Crisis Text Line: Text “home” to 741741
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)
