I'm learning to forgive.

"If we only gave forgiveness to those who deserve it, there would be no forgiveness." - unknown

Lately, I've been going over the idea of forgiveness for some of things that have happened in my past. Some things are incredibly hard to work through, but it has come time to step out of my comfort zone and address them.

I haven't spoken to my mother in over 4 years.

She is only one example here, but, she's the biggest one. There were things said and done that made continuing a relationship with her incredibly toxic. I have come to terms with my decision to cut her off (though I know it is a controversial one), but there are still some things she's done lurking in the back of my head that I can't seem to let go of. At least, until one of my doctors mentioned this tidbit of information:

The person you forgive doesn't have to know that you forgave them.

Forgiveness is not for their benefit, though some people can be excellent at making it feel that way, it's for our own. I know that it sounds a bit selfish, and maybe it is, but knowing that this is for me and not for her put it in a whole new light.

What we choose to do with the scenarios we are given in life shapes who we are. If you hold onto the bitterness, the anger, the bad memories; if you harbor them, it can make you into a brittle, pessimistic person. Yes, I believe we should still remember what happened, if only to remind ourselves of what we don't want to be. But I'm beginning to understand the importance of letting go.

I don't want to harbor ill emotions that only serve to make my mental illness worse. I don't enjoy being a bitter person. For the first time, I'm beginning to actually physically see the benefit of forgiveness.

And believe me, you won't realize how much weight you held on your shoulders until you let go.