I Pulled a Britney

9 of March, 2019

Today, I shaved my head. The entire thing. By myself. Over my laundry tub. With nothing but a videophone to see what I was doing. And there is only one thing that I feel right now—

Free.

I’ve been going through a self-revival for the past year; rediscovering who I was, who I am. I’ve been picking away at the pieces that I’m not the way you do at layers of old wallpaper, not stopping until I find the shiplap underneath. And that happens to include cutting my hair off bit by bit until the final step became shaving it off completely. I am starting over from the ground up.

So far, everyone has asked if I’m either doing this for a cause, or if I’m mentally unstable and this is my cry for help. I find it slightly amusing, seeing as this is actually the most stable I’ve been in years. Between that hospital stay and the Self-Love course I’m taking with The Remote Yogi, I’m in a headspace that, while it will never be considered “normal”, is full of so much love and clarity for the first time in my life.

Well, if it isn’t for a cause and isn’t my mental state, then, why the hell did I do it?

Because I love myself. Wholly and completely. I am learning to forgive myself. And I love myself for who I am.

Peeling away the vanity of my mother, the insistence of my father of traditional femininity, my own insistence of a thin frame and the façade of beauty—I am finally learning to open my eyes and see. I don’t need makeup to be beautiful. I don’t need to weigh under 120 pounds to be something worthy of desire. I don’t need three feet of hair to be feminine.

I no longer wear uncomfortable underwire push-up bras, eight-inch spike heels, thin, scratchy stockings, and clothing that reminds me to constantly tighten my abs and suck my stomach in.

I live in bralettes and boyshorts, men’s flannels and leggings, fuzzy socks and flat boots. I wear 12 rings, 3 necklaces, 3 bracelets, and a nose and lip rings—but no earrings. I shave my head, but not my legs, and I have 12 tattoos.

Today I shaved my head. I feel the most beautiful I ever have, and I feel free.