Sometimes I Do...

Usually, once I get an idea, I find myself burning the candle at both ends. ...And the middle. ...And the sides. It's amazingly difficult not to get caught up in the excitement of it all and rush full force ahead. While this can make for an incredibly productive week or two, I suffer from keeping up the pace.

I know this experience is about finding myself outside of the labels and boxes I fit myself into, but at the same time I have to recognize that there are some limitations to what I can do. Strike that, limitations on the pace at which I do them.

Being bipolar 1 is different for every single person that has it. Yes, there are general symptoms, but it's just as different as everyone's reactions to certain medications. Some people are allergic, some have the exact opposite reactions to what it should do, some experience no side effects, and some experience new side effects that they have to add to the list. In my personal experience, my days of mania are frighteningly happy and as productive as an entire building of employees working on the same project. ...Or seven. ...Or twelve. I feel like I can do anything in the world, so I do. I come up with brilliant, crazy schemes, and bust ass until they're done. ...Most of the time.

There's always a drop. I just never know when it will hit. Sometimes it's out of nowhere, other times I have triggers I have to work against. Having PTSD, anxiety, and psychosis don't necessarily make it any easier. So, sometimes my projects never get completed. Sometimes I stop doing the things that make me happy because the depression that accompanies the the low can be so hard to work against. Well, work with. I've begun to realize the harder I work against these feelings and conditions, the harder it is to bounce back to a "functioning" middle ground (because let's face it, there's no such thing as normal).

Working with them, though, is difficult as all hell. All I want to do is go back to the constant maniacal work pace because I know how much I can get accomplished. But, I can still accomplish what I set out to do, just at a slower pace. And that is nothing to be ashamed of.

I am not limited by my labels. They don't tell me what I can and cannot do. I still choose the things I want to accomplish, I just might have a different pace.